I felt like a body pillow being humped by a twelve year old.
im pretty sure you tried to fart so bad you accidently pissed your pants at my party.
This kind of poor decision making requires a real cup, not a mason jar.
She told me that when she orgasms she just lays there like that baby from teenmom. Who the fuck says that
She handed me her tooth and asked me to hold it so she could swim.
I just had to break into my old house and steal my sex tape. Good times. How have you been?
The girl I was Skype sexing just asked for a moment of silence for robin Williams.
Please tell me I didn't send you a dick pic in the middle of Peter Pan..
When the dude you brought home from the bar on Thanksgiving leaves before you wake up ... #thankful
And the 'kicked out of Xmas party' trophy goes to me. 3rd nomination, first win.
I'm sorry you're hurting. Would a picture or my erect penis help?
If you fuck up my birthday by dying I will kick your fucking corpse.
Let's just say that I took off my pants and I had superman boxers on. Then she took off her pants and she had batman panties on. I think she's the one!
My head is bruised from having sex in the backseat of an explorer last night.
I guess I’m only into threesomes at Halloween, because I just woke up next to “Marilyn Monroe” and “Joe DiMaggio” in their condo
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