if she mentions anything about chili and my phone, just go with it
Elton John & Lady Gaga just did a duet on the Grammies. How appropriate. He likes cock & she happens to have one.
I keep getting texted pictures of my husband with other men. I can't figure out if he wants a divorce or a threesome?
i mean, some people chug beer and some people chug hard liquor. some people have good ideas and some people have bad ideas. it's all about perspective.
will emailing you the 64 kama sutra positions I want to try during the 3 days your here turn you on or terrify you?
omg i met someone at the bar who sells hair feathers. that are long. saved in my phone as "haiirs deather"
I'm sorry I drunk dialed you before realizing that you were already in bed with me.
Are you still going to come over for your post Alcoholics Anonymous beer?
If you come home and I'm pantsless with cake smeared all over my face, I'm sorry.
She made this little rubber cap thing that looks like a brain to go on my dick. She calls it a "penis cap". Industrial design students are weird...
Apparently we stole a dog last night. I woke up and it was just staring at me. But we fed it left over KFC for breakfast so it's cool.
fuck off. It's 10am and I'm drink gin and ginger ale through a twizzler straw. My life is marvellous
Vasectomy results are in. No swimmers in the water. REPEAT. No swimmers in the water. Come help me harness my new found super-power
They have one of those claw machines here... with a dildo in it...
Ok, you agree to the terms? We can have sex, but this doesn't mean we're back together...it just means we're working on things. Got it? Sign here.
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