and you tried to get a free burrito from Potbelly's
Remind me to never go to the bar with your Asian friends again. I need to be able to read or pronounce what I'm drinking.
I feel like my vagina stays drunk longer than the rest of me. It's always super sensitive and hungry the day after drinking.
pretty sure that drunk girl we saw climbing the stairs is now DJing this club....
Slept in my car last night. It snowed. I peed on the street. �Hello 29...
you want a dog just so you can strap a barrel of hot chocolate around its neck?
I'm not sure that our 12-years-ago-high-school-"relationship," and 179 texts in the last 4 hours is gonna be enough to squeeze a naked smartphone picture of me. I'm gonna need some chicken wings or Makers Mark before that starts happening.
Technically my penis started a fight tonight
Hey, so, you were my "one phone call" last night... Thanks for not picking up. See, this is why I never call you.
Someone I just met told me they were going to name their kid after me. Daylight savings is weird.
your life is going to be an empowering working mom montage tomorrow to Katy P's ROAR... --are you living in a yoplaít comercial?
He was so drunk and proud of his 6-month-gym-results he actually made me touch his whole naked body.
Mike passed out early so we kept filling his mouth with redi-whip and letting the dog lick it out, but he started getting hives so we stopped.
This dude is trying to sext and all I can think about is taco bell and their new crunch wrap sliders
ok but bondage is pretty much my easy mode
Randomize
