We can't ever have kids because there's a chance that they'll end up just like us.
She's 40ish and I couldn't wake her up with a stick of dynamite. My sheets are going to be covered in glitter lotion and smell like grape vodka and shattered dreams tomorrow.
Aren't divorce parties fun?
You and I have very different definitions of fun.
I'm pretty sure that every show on ABC Family could be turned into a drinking game.
That explains waking up with one hand in the toilet and the other in the trash can
Who would have sex with her? She looks like she shops at baby gap
I wish alcohol would automatically work as birth control if you have sex drunk.
I'm watching ellen!
just because im gay does not mean you need to notify me every time you watch the ellen degeneres show
failed my one goal of the day: wake up before 2 pm.
my cup is half full, half full of rum.
I thought your voice was coming from the walls. I've never been so relieved to find you naked in a closet
I don't think my body can handle the alcohol I want to put in it anymore.
Chick in class has 69 tattooed on the back of her neck. Target acquired.
Look. I've got things to do today.. Will you hurry up and come over so I can give you some head and get my day started already
Outside
Either I'm too drunk or she gave me a hand job to the rhythm of jingle bells.
He uses Bing as his search engine...but he's great in bed. So obviously I'm torn.
Randomize
