My roommate still talks on AIM. What is this middle school?
So I fucked that hot french guy last night
You do know he's the one who threw up on our table, right? You get to clean it up.
you started keeping track of only every even numbered drink you had
im youtubing treadmill accidents. this is what i do at 2:10am
Im sweating champagne and woke up in nothing but a tuxedo jacket. What didnt go wrong last night?
I want to let you in on my two latest life goals. Have a photograph of me squirting whipped cream into a midget's mouth, and have sex on a roof.
I just threw up blood. Also i just remembered i got hit in the face with a 2 by 4.
Trying to figure out which chair my head was under last night
in my defense, he kept drinking all of my water.
he had diabetes and you told him to stop being a pansy!
Its official, if she bites your dick through your jeans, ya'll go together. A lesson you shouldn't have to learn after the fact.
Fun Fact: I do not remember what its like to be sober between drinking off and on for two weeks at my "vacation" and being on painkillers for my mouth now
The spirit of America is being too hungover to celebrate America right?
I never thought I would have to put a band-aid on my penis.
The cop told me I was the prettiest guy he'd arrested in a while. I'm still not sure if it was a come on or not.
while giving me head, she stopped, looked up at me smiling and said "ill never be able to look at bananas the same way again" and then went back to work.
Randomize
