remember when u banged some random dude twice in the back restaurant room of the bar i work at with customers still there? and woke up with an enormous highschool-sized hickey this morning? no big deal.
I'm not looking forward to the waking up early part. Or actually the wedding part. Or the reception part. But I am looking forward to the meaningless sex with some random guy I meet at the reception part.
It's 10am, I'm at grocery store buying booze b/c the bf just told me that he didn't "technically" break up with his ex.
Who did Billy Mays play for?
my mom walked in on me smoking weed alone, listening to the eagles, and just staring at the river. she totally knew.
You closed the sidewalk off to pedestrians last night. With a glitter covered safety cone
i secretly love the power trip of being their RA & busting these idiots for everything i did as a freshman
I'm more concerned about the fact that I can't feel my gums
I found this letter on my leg this morning "dear sober self- we are one body now. It's weird but get used to it because it already happened" who the fuck is lionman?
Had the longest conversation today with a potentially homeless cuban woman about mind control.
I just used crown royal bags as pot holders...
No more chicken and waffles served by drag queens at 2 AM. :(
In local news "Man Stabbed With Golf Club" next person who tells me this is a safe place to live gets punched...
he never texted me back from last night. i think brining out the suction cup dildo was a mistake
I love you too, but sadly you're not as good at getting me out of bed as cocaine.
Randomize
