I was doing the dishes wondering what was with all the tiny little cups, but then I remembered that some people drink things other than huge mixed drinks and big cups of water the next day.
come over i need a lifeguard for my shower
imagine how many guys you'd have sex if you didn't recieve your monthly gift.
when i spit it made a heart shape. i think it's a sign
Also, we should really buy some bandaids. Right now I'm using toilet paper and scotch tape, but I don't really think that's sanitary.
Just paid my credit card bill at the bar. This phone makes it so I never have to leave
story update. I'm locked out of my house. Walk of shame advisory extended...
she bonged a coffee cause she was hungover. then she bonged a beer cause she got ambitious. then she barfed. then she had to start over again.
Someone please drive out to my house to bring me a beer.. There are some in the fridge but I just can't get up
I'm a wonderful, drunk angel of hydration and sometimes absinthe.
I'm still getting random messages from guys about my Halloween outfit. Electrical tape is coming back next year
I forgot about snapchatting a pic of us, but I remember flossing with your hair.
I'm about to play another round of who's panties are in my car.
Come home... I’m drinking and playing with knives
I have had my dick inside of entirely too many people at this wedding in order for me to be the groom. Please give me a swift kick in the dick to wake me up from this nightmare
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