My cat puked at the same time as me. Makes me feel better about myself, except he can stand and I can't.
if you were to get worldwide popularity from playing guitar with a plastic yellow bat while drunk on YouTube, would you hate me?
She threw up a whole curly fry. A. WHOLE. CURLY. FRY.
I found a map from his room to his bathroom this morning in my purse. Apparently I was too fucked up to get there without one.
double majoring has taught me only that psych majors are sluttier than govt majors
Omg calling you in 10 to update you on who I peed on last night
she tends to only attract lesbians and homeless men
He said in a slur "I go so hard, even when I..." and cut himself off by projectile vomiting all over the ice luge.
Your christmas gifts are already wrapped, how on top of my shit am I?
I'm hungover as fuck and had to break into my own house by throwing a cinder block through my back door at 4am. You're more on top of your shit than me.
its 4am. im standing over him in my bed eating chinese food, on the phone with dan trying to convince him to break up with his gf. whoredom.
He's both a cowboy and a firefighter. Saying "no" was not an option.
Nothing too major over here lately. Just had a date with an ex-internet porn star turned lawyer. He said: "at my 3rd burning man I taught a workshop on BDSM" and I knew it was going to be a fun night.
I have a black eye again and dont know why again
Ill try not let guys feel my boobs for free drinks next time, no promises tho. I am my boyfriends worst nightmare.
So I took a screenshot of my boarding pass and the TSA agent somehow swiped it to the next photo. Yep...TSA saw my dick before I even went through the body scanner.
Randomize
