my mom just threw water on me to get me awake and is screaming "where is my fucking car?!"
you gave me a ride last nite what the hell did you do with it after you left me?
i just ordered an al pacino with double mocha at starbucks.. i'm waiting to see how long it takes the chick to realize what i said.
I just hemmed my dress for halloween, never felt more like a man
Leaving the dealer's house. He just gave me a sincere hug and said good luck. This cant end well.
a search helicopter?!
I turn the corner to find her walking in the front door in a tee-shirt, two different shoes and no pants. All she said to me was "I'm sad"
she laid there and continued moaning loudly for like 10 minutes after we were done, just so that her mom would be jealous
so how does soaking flintstones gummy vitamins in vodka not make perfect sense
Worrying about "What smells like cat pee?" is so much easier than worrying about "What am I doing with my life?"
Is it bad that I coached my cousins 6 year old boy to steal a 30 rack of keystone out of an unattended cooler at our family reunion, or was I just giving him a social head start in high school? I err on the side of awesome.
There was a slutty maid costume on the floor when I woke up, but the house was trashed. Either she's been fired or got promoted, I'm not sure which.
I told two kids in their homecoming outfits to use a condom because of Ebola. I may have saved a life last night
i swear to god it was like we were fucking in 9 dimensions
I also farted in bed this morning and said, "I don't even care. My body deserves that."
I just had a mini meltdown cause I thought they forgot to put the cheese packet in my mac and cheese. I'm having an awful week.
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