K I think ***** turned off her phone. Guess I can't make her feel any more miserable tonight so I'm goin to sleep
I accidentally broke up with him while I was drunk which is really too bad since I'd just gotten a birth control perscription so we could start having sex.
Do you think he'd take me back if I said "dude, we need to get back together or this IUD is going to have an existential crisis for not realizing its full potential"?
my one-armed grandma is doing the YMCA. you figure it out.
Don't text me when you know I'm doing lines on my phone
Well, of course, to the untrained eye I look like a slut.
i just saw that homeless guy who dresses like the cat in the hat at the liquor store. i guess he got enough change to have a good weekend. oh the places he'll go
Just bought an airhorn. Bad things will happen.
I had to rip your toilet paper for you...
There were grown college boys running around north campus in capes with nerf guns. If security were to be called I think they would just give them more beer.
he went down on me to a drake song and now i think i need a penicillin shot
I feel like my vagina was punched by chuck Norris, a Brazilian chuck Norris.
My girlfriend is talking to my ex-boyfriend at the bar right now. I REPEAT, GIRLFRIEND IS TALKING TO EX BOYFRIEND RIGHT NOW. GET ME THE FUCK OUT OF THIS PLAACE
If my emotions are below a 3 or above a 7, I'm crying
You think that was bad? One time my parents found my sister half naked on top of the four runner in the garage. She makes me look like the good child.
Guy peeing and puking at the same time in the women's restroom? So impressed that I can't be offended
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