I have had sex with more partners than how old he is.
I made myself breakfast and everything and then whoever's house it actually was came downstairs very upset.
things that need to be invented #43: vodka that also acts as birth control.
I'm buying a chandelier at walmart. WHO'S CLASSY NOW, BITCHES.
Would it be inappropriate to do lines in front of the cable guy?
Hes still not moving. At what point does 'hungover' become 'hospital-time?'
If I die I am blaming you for not answering to tell me the proper dosage of horse tranquilizers to take
I will now attempt to shave my public hair into a Christmas tree.
does it count as cheating if I'm bettering him for his girlfriend?
A baby just go on our party bus. What. The. Fuck.
Also I smoked away my sore throat last night. It's a 420 miracle.
Every minute you wait for the sex that's not gonna happen, we're missing a tone deaf, drunk, tard-asaurus rex half-sing a 90's song to a bunch of other dinotards at karaoke.
I'm having a martini with dinner. A new level of class.
I'm stoned and eating mustard, also a new level of class.
My parents worry about me having parties when they go on vacation. Umm no it just means I'm drinking and smoking alone on the first floor of the house instead of the second
Hashtag Pathetic
I feel like the dump I just dropped is the most successful thing I've done so far today.
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