The chance that I have herpes may have made me find god
I managed to throw up 90 feet under water, just removed my breathing tube, puked, put it back in. All inclusive is the way to go.
The camp director doesn't care if we drink and i'm running the rifle range. Someone is going to get sued.
I woke up with glitter in my wounds.
I woke up with a russian doll attached to my necklace and a post-it note with "keep babushka safe" written on it. Fuck vodka
We could make it cute. Like "oh those two cute lesbians who are about five foot two who sell the cocaine down the street. You know the ones? With the Yorkies?"
Been awake for 50 some odd hours. I've discovered I can spew out maaaad papers whilst coked out of my face. My roommates probably think I'm dead. Money well spent. You?
It says a lot about the way my life is going right now that 'there's no shit in your house' is fucking good news.
fucked a girl in the dry storage closet at work. knocked over a whole rack of tomato paste and pinto beans. and also i really hope my manager doesn't review this footage from the security camera
Just jacked in the family restroom in the hospital while eating beef jerky and looking at reddit gone wild.
Welp, I'm allergic to codeine. Found that one out the hard way.
JB just got pulled over and I am in the trunk...... this isnt good
I peed in front of kids, unfortunately
I just hooked up with the German exchange student who doesn't speak English. And you said I have no talent.
His mom knocked on the door during morning sex because we were being too loud...now i have to meet her for the first time
Randomize
