Just brushed my teeth...forgot we used this toothbrush in bed last night.
shouldn't i get a discount if shes pregnant?
so I was like, you know platform 9 3/4? I know something else with those measurements. best. pick up line. ever.
an ex called crying about her current BF. convo ended in phone sex. i love emotional wrecks
once she started licking the door on the stall, i got out of there and told her bf "this is your problem now" and walked away
I don't understand but I fell asleep naked holding a tub of cool whip and a boiled egg
We were just talking bout putting on helmets and going fo a car ride just to see how ppl react. I will def fit in here haha
Every shot buddy I have I end up blowing. I don't know whether this pattern is good or bad.
For future reference "bring our litter sisters on our date day" is not such a good idea
I was going through my mom's stuff to find her xanax, and I found her vibrators instead. Plural. That is like the opposite of what I wanted.
He called my vagina "the man cave", and I found it charming
Just don't have sex while watching Home Alone. It will ruin Christmas for you.
I love everything about him! His penis, his hair, his tattoos, his penis, his cat, his penis.
There's wine in the fridge here. You could leave school and we could get day drunk.
That's my favorite drunk.
What time is our conjugal visit?
Umm...who is this?
Randomize
