I hit a bug from across the room with my flip flop boomerang style. That awesome.
just woke up to a get well card i wrote myself when i was drunk. it was by the advil. i am a cocky bitch.
Let's just say a refrigerator got involved and after that I had to send him home.
Just spent 15 minutes trying to save the life of a fruit fly that dive-bombed my coffee. I figured it doesn't make sense to let two souls die in this place...
The 12 year old son winked and made eyes at me while his father fed me vodka gummy bears. Gameday yo
It's fine. I wouldn't trust either of them to be my workplace drug buddy.
A homeless man gave him a blanket and an ambulance drove him to sarahs...
I'm tired of looking like my mother fucked Chewbacca.
Overheard a drunk girl talk about how when she's drunk she believes in more than one God
I am serious when I say I think I broke a rib having sex with Kyle. It might be puncturing my lung. No lie. I might die today.
All I've done today is nap, eat candy and get off from my vibrator. I didn't know it was possible to be THIS single.
I think everyone at the office can tell I'm dehydrated
you mean still drunk
I've heard it both ways
Can I come over and use your shower? My roommate got drunk last night and took my bathroom door off its hinges
Is it just me or is it like a girl gets married and all of a sudden she’s a “blogger”?
Adulthood is putting your bongs in the dishwasher because you're too lazy to clean them manually.
Are you ok dude?
Randomize
