I like my sex mixed with concussions.
Dude michael jackson died, guess he's not 'stayin aliveee' any longer.
Uh dude that wasn't a michael jackson song it was the BGs
Your remote is drenched in lotion and you expect me to believe you weren't masturbating?!
Just KTHXBAIed an old man for staring at me
Thank you for getting us into that car accident. I have had more guys hit on me than ever before because of my broken fingers.
My adult sexuality and some of the best memories of my childhood collided like a Pee Wee Herman wet dream.
Elaborate
Strip Mario-Kart
I can only send "I want your dick" texts to so many guys before I accidentally over-book myself. I need a day planner.
You shouted, "LOOK I'M HAWKEYE," and beaned mike with a dildo from across the room.
I feel like there is something fundamentally wrong with me as a woman. My initial text to you was "What's up, fuck bucket?"
I started screaming "MY PARENTS ARE MORMON" at a stranger and promptly proceeded to run into a wall. How do you think it went?
THEYRE FUCKING GOLD
Are you talking about the color of my tits or the quality of my nudes cause both are
She told him that she never wanted to see him again then took his takeout box of bacon cheddar fries and got in the uber saying "for feminism"
Always keep a stash of tequila in your work desk. That is like adulting 101.
You have got to be the only man who has passed out while getting a lap dance.
The closest thing I've had to an orgasm lately is sneezing nonstop from fucking allergies.
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