I used a bag of wine as a pillow last night.
i would really appreciate it if you would stop texting my girlfriend.
i would really appreciate it if you would stop cock blocking me.
Elton John & Lady Gaga just did a duet on the Grammies. How appropriate. He likes cock & she happens to have one.
We met on a dual walk of shame. It has to be love, we can't let that go to waste. I want to tell our children that story.
he acted like he had never seen anyone snort lines of adderall off of a microwave before. freshman.
no i brought the cat to the bar. I got a weird look when I walked in but now everyone loves her.
I just reached for my seatbelt when I sat down to pee... Might be a little hungover.
Most violent shit of my life. New Years resolution of eating better is already kicking me in the face.
Aside from the fact that im drinking wine straight from the bottle to save doing dishes, im also standing in front of the oven to save turning on the heater. its gonna be a rough winter.
He showed up to a baby shower and kept telling everyone he was late because he was pregaming. And then tried honking the pregnant girls tits
I just started the bonfire using a tampon. Who knew they could have multiple uses?
Apparently my thong was thrown in the cornfield last night. No one will tell me why.
When is the right time to ask your new roommate for her school schedule so she doesn't walk in on you fucking some rando in the kitchen in the middle of the afternoon?
She's one of those people who could be either 16 or 23. In which case she's too old for me or in dangerously jailbait territory for you, bro.
I'm eating an ice cream cone and pooping. Don't know how I'm gonna wipe.
Randomize
