If I don't wake up snuggled up to 14 ice cream sandwiches, my life is incomplete.
my penis says it needs to be in something. my phonebook says its you
Question. If Kwik Trip and Kum and Go were to merge, what would they call it? Kwik Kum or Kum Kwik?
he said i'm too pretty to suck penis
I wish you could order shots online.
My brother brings gifts into my room to wrap them. It's a pizza cutter and a box of condoms..
no i do not regret standing at the wendys drive thu handing the employees mardi gra beads to get free chicken nuggets
i think he just broke into a bike shop his last text said something about hiding in some tree
Siri just called me GayBoy in front of my family. I will destroy you.
The Winnie the Pooh costume was great until you got drunk and started yelling at the kids asking for pictures.
future reference: when you get a text that says "WARNING: EXPLICIT PHOTOS BEING DELIVERED. VIEWERS DISCRETION IS ADVISED." you always open the attached picture.
this is a preemptive text before you call me freaking out: i have your keys and your car is parked safely a block down from your apartment.
you are a goddess
Thought about it. I'm gonna go to work, but I'm gonna tell them I wrestled a bear saying I fell just isn't working.
She was riding me and giving me score updates to the basketball game at the same time..... Shes a keeper
my vagina can't handle any more of our 4 day long smash bash. it should be like a holiday or something. should only happen once a year.
Randomize
