Dude, I woke up at my ex's house. I am spooning her half naked roommate. There is a pizza on my shoulder. I need you to come pick me up.
Please forgive me. I will pay for your emergency room visit.
So I have $4.22 in my bank account, just wrote a check for a tooth brush from quikmart, and bought a 25 cent condom from the bathroom. i don't know whats more sad, my bank account or the fact that i'm entrusting my entire future to a condom machine that was probably last filled in 1970
i overslept, had to take a cab to the train station, might puke, bought the wrong flavored vitamin water, and mj's dead. what a terrible world to wake up to.
She was sleeping without a shirt so I thought I wouldI sneaked a peek at her nipples..than I realized they were just warts...on her back.
hey remember that time we got really drunk, you tried to find narnia in my refrigerator and passed out in the freezer drawer??
no.
My dad told me my only assignment from now til graduation is to not die. it's a legit concern for him.
You overflowed the toilet cuz you tried to flush apples. you said they were singing too loudly
i ordered a pipe on amazon, and under recommended items, it gave me a top hat. it knows me better than my parents.
Dude best one night stand i woke she was cleaning our fridge while waiting for the cab to show
Is it OK to disqualify a potential therapist if she lists 50 Shades of Gray as her favorite book? Or is that a good thing?
I didn't think it was possible but he dislocated his thumb during intercourse last night then cried
if you didn't cry because you couldn't find me and then pee your bed, your wingman status would totally be revoked for leaving me at that party.
it's your last night here, let's make it one we may or may not remember.
They call you PBJ boy because you were trying to seduce me with pieces of a peanut butter and jelly sandwich. Successfully might I add.
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