I just heard a girl say "We can't go that way, it is a one way street." She was on foot...Nothing worse than girl from the midwest that move to NY to "live out their dream" -the dream of living in a rat and roach infested 200sqft for $2k a month, and get fucked by some recent Ithaca college frat grad...
I just changed her number in my phone to "You Wouldn't If You were Sober"
non applicator tampons are so hard to put in when your drunk. i fingered myself for 10 minutes and forgot what i was trying to do.
i have to start hiding my credit card when i drink i woke up this morning with 4 emails from Farmville telling me i spent over $800 on coins last night
It's sad the highlight of the night was you didn't electrocute yourself again.
you put your hands over the taxi driver's eyes and shouted GUESS THE WAY TO THE CLUB
Ya. I wonder how much being a beard for a major league baseball player pays. This could be a lucrative arrangement...
Here's my first problem: I'm drunk
Be proud. All I did last night was roll around in my nun costume selling drugs. I love Halloween.
Based on my body hair location, my ancestors had very cold hamstrings and very warm chests
On a scale of one to Harambe, how attached were you to your goldfish?
Shut up. You had me at killer robots. Your place or mine?
I love you man I just want to hold you and fuck you until you only know my name
I don't know who you are but HOW THE FUCK DID YOU GET MY NUMBER
Dude what happened last night?
I don't know, I'm still trying to figure out how I got my clothes back on.
Pretty sure I just pissed straight whiskey...
Randomize
