last night was fun... but i spent all morning tring to get the candle wax out of my chest hair. We did use candles last night?
You need to tell your booty call to take some sudafed or something. I swear I thought you were humping Kermit the frog last night
He pretended my clit ring was a door knocker.
that beer fried lasagna last night was sooo good
that wasnt beer fried lasagna, you just poured beer on my lasagna
Well... When your girlfriend fucks your sister, the 2 week courtesy window goes out the door.
She's doing hand stands on the train as I type. Idk if I'm impressed it embarrassed. Or turned on.
This guy on the bus keeps leaning over and sniffing my hair.
Official reason: I couldn't get time off. The real reason: last Xmas nearly ended in alcohol poisoning to prevent me from screaming like a velociraptor
I haven't even had my coffee yet and you're being slutastic
FUCK and YOU. times 10. To infinity and beyond. You bastard. Worst. Cockblock. Ever. I'm going to nail your sister.
shut up and let me use my vagina as a weapon of self destruction in peace!
Just showed my drunk fiancé where I got circumcised, she's been crying for twenty minutes.
I'm drunk. And I'm alone. Eating chicken fingers in my underwear. I'd say life is grand.
My vibrator turned on under my pillow when I was taking a nap this morning... I nearly shit my pants.
I asked him if we were exclusive and he followed up with, "If a tree falls in the woods and no ones around, does it still make a sound?" Wtf am I supposed to do with that?!
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