You should really figure out how to get me a picture that will pop up on my phone when you call
Just upload a picture of Bea Arthur. That's what my soul looks like these days
I just woke up in my car with half the wedding cake next to me. This will not end well.
You were directing traffic around her for 30min after she passed out in the middle of the road.
You really are best friends.
There is a limo involved. Man up, and make yourself puke. Its only one more night of blacking out.
I will now refer to my life as before and after I used Astroglide for the first time
How do I know I'm high? Let me count the ways.
1. I put the milk in the cupboard, 2. Everything tastes fucking amazing, 3. My dog is really soft, 4. The lunesta butterfly flew out of my tv and touched me
I HAVE A BLACK EYE FROM A DILDO!! IM GETTING MARRIED TOMORROW! THIS IS NOT A MISSUNDERSTANDING!
Yeah. Got a major ego boost when she said she felt like she had just fucked King Arthur. Buying some donuts later to celebrate with, wanna join?
I got a blow torch for Christmas. You are now permitted to be afraid.
But I've also made plans to crash a black tie event wearing a storm trooper helmet. I think I've found the love of my life..
They are gonna stay together and get married and have 2 children before he wakes up and realizes that there is more to life than anal
So red wine goes with eggs, right? Because that's all I have in the house to cook and the drinking options are either wine or scotch
You're up at 3AM, right? I have a very important question.
You know the Wendy's on route 6, by Kohls? Do you know if it has a drive through?
Yes it does.
Just a typical Friday. Dinner, drinks, doing lines with a member of Congress
I'm totes in the mood to go home and like blindly inhale dangerous amounts of porn
Randomize
