the sex was like sticking it in a jar of mayonnaise
he quoted Bring It On. It's over.
Anderson Cooper interviews Obama. It's like CNN is teasing and broadcasting my dream 3 way.
He offered but I said no. I didn't think it'd be cool to accept cupcakes in the mens room of a gentlemans club.
I can't wait till you move in so I can stop drinking alone.
it's a Wednesday?
:)
I had sex with her like 200 times, and she was only pregnant once, those are pretty good statistics.
The second time he came it projectile shot in my ear
We were in a spooning position and it shot all the way up. He was like sorry. Physics.
How does a law student 15 days away from graduation prepare for a pass fail final? Drinking beer, eating thick cut bacon, and watching game of thrones, that's how
I have a third degree burn on my inner thigh from the blunt dropping on me in the car
WTF moment this morning: we were getting ready to leave and he reaches under his mattress to pull out his gun. All I could do was look at him and go "really?!"
He said it wasn't ladylike of me to drink more whiskey than him. I told him to stop being a little bitch.
No ive been in the mountains getting high and baking cookies with a 4 year old
I was randomly pulled aside to have my bag checked. It had 50 condoms in it.
We have an albino peacock in our apartment. It's beautiful.
Scratch it being beautiful, bitch just stole my McDonalds. Call animal control.
This is the third time this month a guy I’m not dating has dumped me. How is this even possible???
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