Blind date just said "Can't wait till I'm married so i can let myself go". There will be no second date.
I would like to apologize for making you the target of my "I wish head hair grew as fast as Pubes speech" the other night
Also I have uncooked pasta. I was hoping that could get cooked at your place. Don't ask about the circumstances that I came into ownership of uncooked pasta
He told me he felt like he was just pistol-whipped by Testicle Man.
I knew my sister shouldn't have gone to the bacherlotte party. Two of the other brides maids have black eyes and my fiancé called me and asked if this is the crazy she's marrying
You know what else? He didn't even get to see my butt. And my butt is really cute. Car sex is awful.
I really need to stop sending pussy pics if I'm going to be running for state representative in November
well it was great until i saw his anime body pillow
I'm gonna try and get through this weekend sober, which is gonna be tough especially since I've already started drinking.
I touched a dick in church today
So what's it like to be pregnant?
It feels like I'm hungover and when I was drunk I was kicked off a mechanical bull and then trampled.
can we fuck so we can live up to our nicknames for eachother?
He's hot, clean, can actually cook, and best of all isn't a narcissistic prick. I found a unicorn.
Ride that fucker.
Nothing wrong with a little cat scratch fever. You have toys?
A few, plus a dildo molded from a porn star that I've always been too intimidated of to actually use, but it's the apocalypse, and momma didn't raise no quitter.
Our conversation went from you choking me to my quarter life crisis reeeaaalllll quick.
Randomize
