So I have to go swallow an entire zebra. Ur on ur own girl.
Woke up this morning 8 levels higher in Call of Duty then when I started drinking... told you I was better when I was drunk.
After she came with my hands around her neck, she sat there for a minute and gave me the scuba diving sign for a-ok.
And this is the part where I need you not to judge me. Remember that I have never seen a penis do that and that I have a weird sexual curiosity
I just want to see him this morning so I can bask in my wasted accomplishment.
Swear to god our friendship has its limits. Stop peeing on the fucking refrigerator.
Do pleather leggings scream im easy on a first date?
So did I or did I not flash an entire concert last night?
I guess I was blacked out I hopped a fence and hugged a cow that night.
Doing laundry. My jeans from last night smell like chicken wings and motor oil.
You FaceTimed me at three in the morning while you were peeing. Your eyes were glazed over and you showed me your bellybutton.
I'm currently trying to figure out a way to fill the bathtub up with mashed potatoes so when he comes over he'll know what's about to hit him..
So i woke up this morning to find my boss passed out on my living room floor.. Awkward? Haha
I broke another vibrator the other day. Abstinence is not for me.
Honestly cannot tell if I’m magical or really, really high.
Randomize
