Charged a drink to your name last night. Thanks for the whiskey
He googled "how long will i be drunk" and just started crying
It's sad really how 5 am brings with it a distinction from drunken to pathetic.
hell no. last time, i couldn't pee straight for a week.
I'm texting you from across the beer pong table to tell you that the drunk chick you brought over needs to disappear. like now.
I dislocated my rib eating pizza. I think I am broken.
For the amount of money I just spent on my dogs toe, I could have fucked the entire B squad at a low end strip club.
When one is stoned and browsing online dating profiles all men sound like serial killers.
Apparently I told a girl last night, that's she's super beautiful and I don't want to fuck she just deserves being eaten out
Nothing says I'll be 22 tomorrow like washing the vomit out of your hair at 4pm
Note to self: Never spend $8 on a liter of rum again
It's 2017. Get with the program. Also remind me never to get margaritas with you ever on Cinco de Mayo.
dont ever go to laser tag drunk. you will be judged.
He eats kale on the regular. Do I look like a bitch that wants to eat kale. No. Give me some Boston market.
He looked so uninterested when the stripper was slapping him. Now his roommates are harassing me about how crazy our sex must be.
Randomize
