got arrested for "breaking and entering" last night when i supposedly went into the wrong house made a sandwich and tried jerking off to porn on the tv...the cops told me they came in while my dick was out...oh and i missed work this morning and got fired
My brain is officially off for summer until late august. If that guy wants to fuck me, he better do it soon.
First date: that requires underwear, huh?
A 300 lb dude in a sundress yelling bible verses while wearing a raggedy anne wig is just as funny as I thought it would be. Thank you san francisco.
Accidentally hit on the same girl twice at the bar, she give me her number both times though so I think its cool.
Currently cooking 3lbs of bacon in case the power goes out bc if even one slice of bacon goes to waste then sandy wins
Drank your wedding present. Sorry
She broke up with me after I spent the whole day speaking in nothing but Marshawn Lynch quotes.
You keep making the old jokes & I'm gonna come down with a sudden case of low-estrogen related vaginal dryness..
Sex and compliments. The way to my heart
why do i have a pole dance champion shot glass?
last night is slowly putting itself back together. Its one giant slutty puzzle, all the pieces are covered in tequila and shame.
because he's a firefighter, wouldn't sleeping with him be like saying thank you to the community?
Dear Douchebag, I would just like to formally issue this fuck you. You will be receiving a letter in the mail soon. With all of your stuff.
I'd kiss your neck and collarbone and then run my tongue up your neck to just behind your ear
And then lightly kick the curve inside your ear
Randomize
