Cruel joke of nature. Hair on head runs from face, and hides on various parts of body. Aging sucks.
I'm watching ellen!
just because im gay does not mean you need to notify me every time you watch the ellen degeneres show
Arguably, the best part was cockblocking those squirrels.
These 5 days benders will be the death of me. Just living and breathing is a struggle right now.
Wanna tell me why vodka seeped out of the memory foam when I climbed into my bed?
Our neighbors just passed us a blunt from their deck, and are hooking us up.
I just baked them cookies. We're friends now.
I have Denny's hours of operations written on the palm of my hand....not in my writing, in a girls writing, is that as good as or equal to a cell number?
If you don't sing me a lullaby then I'll just take shots till I pass out
She pulled up to the bar in a limo, wasted, and alone. Gets out, shrugs and slurs "I couldn't find a cab" and proceeds to take a shot.
I'm in love.
This is the second girl that said she wanted to fuck me while wearing a clown nose. Fuck online dating
We got stuck in traffic in the tunnel while we were smoking weed. We were afraid to air out the car.
Do you remember telling the Uber driver that "his cologne makes you want to bone"?
I'm too high and old for this...
I found a loose wire in my thermostat. Couldn't find the pliers, so I used a nipple clamp to fix it.
I woke up naked and alone this morning. What a life
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