Why did we buy the only spinning apartment on campus?
At what number of girls whose last names are stored in your phone book as drinking establishments does it become excessive?
Nothing good has ever or will ever come from 50 cent beers at the bowling alley..
Just mindlessly walked into the mens bathroom. My vagina has now become its own independent being, looking for penises. I'm just along for the ride.
I think I'm drunk. That wine was old. I found it behind the water heater next to the mouse poison.
I can't feel my brain.
Hey, I can't find my bed frame. Do you know who took it?
Note for the future: whiskey syrup is AMAZING on 3am pancakes.
Come get me we have a petting zoo to throw up in.
But in fairness, I would totally have a robo-penis as long as it had full sensation.
She just sent me a message. It's a poem, about eternal love, that she wrote, about us. Just because I took her home two nights - doesn't mean it's eternal love.
I'm high and having a granola buffet this has got to be the healthiest I have ever been
Leave it to you to bring a trash can into a fist fight.
And now let us go forth, and be garbage people in public.
Isn't that our default mode?
I'm in love. Her name is Jamie. She's beautiful. She punched me in the face.
Liz Cheney wasn’t exactly on my list of women I expected to be saying “YAS QUEEN” for in 2021 but here we are
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