I was just curling my hair topless and I just burned my nipple. Ouch.
I thnk I just saw a monkey walking a drunk guy.
if i wake up one more time on my porch im gonna start considering myself homeless
Is there a nice way of saying 'touch my penis or i dont really wanna hangout"?
i've got to stop sleeping with short guys. they always turn into stage 5 clingers
So she just apologized to the fire extinguisher.
we used the bottom of a tampon for coke since no one had a 20 on them. My life has resisted to this.
... thanks for letting me perform minor surgery on myself last night.
I figured if you were smart enough to sterilize with vodka, you could handle it.
She thinks I should try and corrupt him and take his virginity. While I do love virgins, I'm a little too lazy to put in the corruption effort right now. That's a summer kinda job.
its 4am. im standing over him in my bed eating chinese food, on the phone with dan trying to convince him to break up with his gf. whoredom.
He asked us to wake him up with a strobe light. We had it going in front of his face full power for half and hour and he didn't even blink.
Because making bad decisions is what makes our house great and I don't plan on changing that anytime soon.
I see you listening to my get shitfaced playlist on spotify. glad we're on the same page tonight there's a drink waiting for you downstairs.
You tried to prove you weren't drunk by loudly singing the romanian national anthem. Why the fuck do you even KNOW the romanian national anthem?
Idk... he wears anklets.. i dont think i can get past that.
Randomize
