dude, your ex-bf is on match.com
details on that.
well, his profile doesn't say anything about herpes.
For a day that started with shitting my pants, things turned out fairly well.
That's it, I refuse to live in a world where sparkly vampires beat Batman at anything.
The bank teller laughed at me....I'm apparently that fucking hungover looking
All I wanted was my $85. Judgement free. But nooooo
Cause I came home. Im covered in green marker and jack daniels. Theres a taco and the words "we went to Mexico" on my wrist. Im a walking abomination.
I shouldn't be home alone with this much peanut butter and the dog. I feel like i'm being recorded to see when my desperation will peak.
So my dad just walked in on me with the same girl twice in 3 nights. I told him if he wants to see her tits to adleast admit it. All he did was smirk.
Standing here wondering if its a good idea to cook pork chops in the toaster or not.
Yeah! Don't let me leave the house without marijuana and a juicer.
Your birthday is now over. Your day in the spotlight has dimmed and now you're as special as everyone else. The world goes back to revolving around me. Good night.
I'm right down the road from AJ's old house and I'm getting mixed feelings. My vagina is remembering good dick. But the rest of me is remembering horrible times.
ok so i got home drunk and was cleaning my kitchen and i was shaking out the throw rug and dropped it out the window, i'm sorry
It's like those toothpaste commercials where 4 out of 5 dentists would recommend your vagina
She got up, grabbed me a box of gushers told me to start eating, and immediately gave me the best head I've ever gotten.
When creating your wedding guest list do you put the girl you & your fiance had a threesome with under your friends or his friends?
Randomize
