This morning when you woke up you looked like one of the Wii Bowling people. I think it was the eyebrows combined with the sambuca
my phone is just a graveyard for last nights mistakes. at least it's giving me hints as to where i was though, i'm like carmen sandiego
I saw two morbidly obese women get winded after fighting over the last motorized wheelchair at Walmart
These are the moments in life you observe a force greater than us at work
I'm having a chugging contest on the streetcar. The driver is judging.
Plus someone just passed me a joint through the window. BEST STREETCAR RIDE EVER
My mom just said we needed to put weed into our earthquake kit.
It's alarming how good I'm getting at being productive at work on Thursday after Johnny Walker Wednesdays.
The cops caught them pow wowing in the teepee at the entrance of the golf course at 5 am. But were still missing someone.
Come find me, I'm the girl sitting alone in taco bell at 9 in the morning drinking concealed beer with a straw
In complete seriousness I think I am the highest person on earth
I feel like I have heartburn in my nipples.
I think when Jesus turned water into wine it was a sign that we should get drunk off Sangria tonight. Do it for Jesus. He died for your sins.
He told me he wished he could shrink down to a small size so he could live inside my cleavage
So our bartender was in the bathroom the same time I was so I ordered a beer mid stream.....is that weird?
I tried making my own red bull with crushed up caffeine pills, bubbley water and flintstones chewable vitamins. The ER doctor sead I'm lucky to be alive.
This Cougar is looking at me like I’m a piece of meat and buying me top shelf cocktails
I’m getting a fear boner thinking about what she might do to me
Randomize
