Someone took a freaking dump on a roll of toilet paper. Next to the toilet. No shit in the toilet. Just on the roll of toilet paper.
I just busted my ass on the ice in front of my entire AA meeting. As if being there wasn't embarrassing enough.
i wish i could, but i promised myself i wouldn't sleep with anyone who couldn't grow a beard for a while. it's not you, it's crosby.
It doesn't count as drinking alone if you're making rum cake with it.
While he was going down his phone rang and he answered saying I'll call you later I'm eating.
this year's halloween challenge: make audrey hepburn go from classy to slutty drunk
we knew you were done when they played It's All Coming Back To Me Now by Celine Dion and you started crying
Just showered now I smell like berries instead of shame
Never use fire and ice condoms with a dude who always claims he "didn't know it was the wrong hole"
I changed my birth control schedule so that I'm on my period while you're gone this week
I don't deserve you.
STOP BUYING ALADDIN PANTS WITH MY AMAZON CREDIT CARD
You burped in your shoe and whispered 'you're mine now'
I drank all the wines... and all th Doritos. Whilst watching Fat Camp. I need to reassess my values.
Woke up next to my vibrator and a recipe for fudge brownies. If that doesn't scream I NEED TO GET LAID, then I don't know what else could.
Had to trim my nails cus they got too long to effectively finger myself with
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