If the pens lose tonight I'm gonna drive to Detroit and burn 8 mile to the ground.
Actually I may do that regardless. Probably get my own holiday.
She's the only one so far who hasn't laughed at me naked.... I'm gonna marry her.
its mom's weekend..did we need to couger proof the apt?
Hold on. She's wrapped herself in toilet paper and is scaring the dog.
Too many margaritas?
I just bought 4 bottles of wine in sweats at 530 on a monday night. Fuck law school
Do you think it would be a good idea to mention in my admissions essay that I was the guy that streaked across the soccer field last year?
If I pissed all over some chicks bed I would probably apologize for getting so wasted, not putting out, and turning into a god damn R. Kelly Cinderella... Not ask for coffee and a ride home.
Carson kissed me on my cold sore before I could stop him so I think I gave my kid herpes. Mom of the year. Just call me MOTY.
What the hell do I have to give up to manifest a dick
She kissed me, then said "mmm your face tastes like it needs my pussy on it."
Also, I don't know if it's the drugs I'm on or not, but I truly believe I was hypnotized last night listening to an audio book.
The cop busted in, made the music stop, and goes "GUYS LISTEN UP! DRINK, DO DRUGS, HAVE UNPROTECTED SEX, I DONT GIVE A FUCK, JUST QUIET DOWN!" Best. Cop. Ever.
Why are we so out going and care free I can't wait for maturity to kick in so we stop having 700 dollar bar tabs
when I finally convinced you to get off the floor you looked at me wild-eyed and said "the carpet was a VAST EXPANSE OF SEA"
It was funny for a while but 3 days later I still can't walk and I've constructed a diaper-like contraption to hold the ice pack on my vagina.
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