I wish I could rss feed the hooker ads on craigslist because it looks suspicious that I check craigslist every hour.
I'm not ok right now. I just walked in on a 600lb woman passed out on the toilet and she walked out and tried to eat her cell phone. I'm on acid I think.
maybe tonight we can turn coloring into a drinking game
I love having a boyfriend. I just ate pancakes with regular syrup and chocolate syrup, I havent shaved my legs in a week, and Im still going to get laid tonight.
fuck. you.
He looked me straight in the eye when he was fingering me last night...it was very serial killer.
Everyone is sleeping and i'm sittin here in my iron man mask, watchin chelsea lately and tryin to figure out how to smoke through it.
The dorm having an ice machine is their way of inviting us to make mixed drinks.
I'm not judging you. Just know that you could be Queen of The World. Instead you're 5:28 p.m ponging. I hope you're at least winning
I think that's why god made me a woman. Bc it's harder to slap people in the face with a vagina.
nope. just stoned. wishing i had a golf cart.
I told him the only reason I'd sleep with him is if we have a threesome because I'll need moral support
I'm sending lingerie pics that I took yesterday. I fully prepared for this holiday
He called me for phone sex. Do you know how hard it is to fake an orgasm, and play Candy Crush at the same time?
I'm not saying i'm drunk
But i'm drunk.
He almost got to me tonight but then I was like fuck it I'm going to dance with a teli-tubby on the bar so fuck you
Randomize
