i permit you to call me
im going to pretend im pregnant so i can eat a lot then i will accidentally fall down the stairs
Having an 'SDSU Mom' sticker is just like say 'Hi, my daughter has an std"
I have the money I owe you for auctioning off your black thongs. Best 30 bucks ever spent
he built a boat made of joints. holyyy shit
So we played the stone cold theme song and continued to chug 2 beers at once and everyone just looked in shock
Who says there aren't gentlemen anymore? My one night stand warmed up my car for me
What's protocol when the 18 year old son of an anti-gay preacher sends you a message on Grindr during church?
That amount of times your family has seen my boobs is getting ridiculous.
SShout out to Barney the Dinosaur for teaching me how to sing the ABCs backward. I just scored a free pitcher.
Your final is gonna be as easy for you as getting into straight girls' pants is for me.
It's a sad day when ur phone automatically updates u on Thursdays that traffic is normal and how long it will take to get to the bar
That's fucking great actually
All my friends are getting married and I'm pole dancing in a tattoo shop. I don't know how I feel about this.
They spent thousands on one day. You made $76 in 30 minutes. You should feel great about that.
Just told my mom life fisted my asshole. She looked at me with complete understanding. I'm scared...
Pro: 2020 made it easier to hook up with strippers
Con: explaining to Kari why there’s always strippers at our house
Pro: there’s always strippers at our house
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