mark looks like s**t tonight! thank da lawd we broke up!
it's mark...i'm guessing you didn't mean to send that to me...
I woke up fully clothed on top of my sheets and i didnt even pee myself..so proud.
I went to moterboat her and I started laughing, so I just kinda blew on them... I think I'm gona call that move the sailboat.
The words "my birth control fell out" should never be spoken
You were spooning my trash can and I had to crumble cookies on the floor by your face to get you to eat
Here's what I don't understand. How does anyone watch you eat mayo for 12 minutes and then ever fuck you again??
he told me he had a dream that he laid his head in my lap and silently gazed up at me. WHY AM I ALWAYS THE DUDE IN RELATIONSHIPS
It's like the bat signal. He only texts me when I'm naked.
Just peed off a cliff while playing white snake on my phone. Close enough?
I keeping finding meatballs in random places
I woke up in an ill fitting childs tutu this morning and the shower curtain is knocked down. Wtf happened?
I'm still questioning who dropped me off last night. So successful wedding?
All I need is to get out and get laid
Yeah mom sounds like a good idea! Now send that message to the person it was ment for
He grabbed a pine cone off the ground and yelled "I love cigars" then tried to smoke it for ten minutes.
You asked me if I ever met a talking rock and when I said no, you looked me dead in the eye and said today was my lucky day then you crawled into a ball and started talking...that high.
Randomize
