I will make out with the first guy who tries to pick me up with a lyric from a rap song. I won't even reply, just be on him like whoa.
I lost of the blow last night. Found it later in my bag labeled Fairy Dust.
and I didnt even know his name until this morning when we were laying in bed and he referred to himself in the 3rd person.
My therapist said that she thinks i may have a sex addiction. I think she may be a terrible therapist.
Want me to drive you to Dr. Drew's sex rehab?
Nah, cause then i cant masturbate to that show anymore.
my professor just said "the power of the situation"
drink
dudes here are drinking wine, and not in the forgivable 'just doing this to get laid' way
the ceiling is raining jello shotss
so the x-ray technician didnt buy my story of falling off a curb. she said a fall of that height couldnt snap the bone that way. bitch called me a drunken idiot too. if she wasnt so hot i'd be angry
You got into a heated argument about Frankenstein's intelligence while double fisting burritos from taco bell.
And your boyfriend doesn't mind you constantly taking pictures of his dick just to freak out your brother?
its more like he's accepted that he can't stop me
I just made my mom buy me lube. I've reached a new level of broke.
Interesting fact: if you wanted to rename a guy Jeff, just tell him you only fuck Jeffs. Magically whatever name he was using is actually his middle name cause he doesn't like going by Jeff.
If you can endure a laser on the butthole, you can endure a wax on the butthole. Those are words to live by.
I’m sorry, some of us common-folk don’t have access to steady dick
Granted, I did not plan to spend ANY hour of the last day of 2020 sober.
Randomize
