he was on top of me and all of a sudden stopped and starting picking his nose...i asked him if he was okay, he sort of looked confused, and he told me he had a booger that hurt. guess its a good thing i wasnt planning on dating this guy
apparently vodka and oj turns green when you throw it up
basic color theory
I am sitting on my kitchen floor drunk with a bottle of jose cuervo, tryin to make cinnamon rolls and write a paper. I love college
Go ahead. I tried to back up ur budhism story but she mite be catching on
Dammit. I hoped that would work. Just tell her I'm doing my pilgrmidge to Nepal or something.
iphones do not disturb setting is the biggest cock block to my 3am booty calls
We are magical, pot smoking, smart as hell, single as fuck, woodland dolphins.
Yeah I'm at work. Nothing like the threat of blowing chunks on passing cars to make you feel alive.
If you are breathing, I want you at your house. No non-breathing-related excuses.
well his attempt to make a white russian with instant coffee, gone off milk, and that weird probably illegal vodka we bought the other day isnt going well
You fell asleep standing up against the shower wall
According to timehop today marks the 3rd anniversary of my 1st blackout
Sometimes having a penis is like having a really stupid drunk best friend. You see it doing dumb shit but you're just not the one in charge.
Well drunk me was looking out for sober me again, hid the beer and bought another case for me
It’s just hard to believe you really care about me when u haven’t touched my dick in 2 months
And then I woke you by humping you to Lionel Ritchie.
Randomize