There's a hobo dancing by himself. Is anyone going to ask how he got in the house?
You don't understand, alcohol has become a thing of survival for me and without it I can't function as a normal human being
it was just fiscally responsible to stop going to strip clubs where the strippers recognized me
Is there any way to un-invite somebody to a wedding? I just checked out the other family, and I can't have a cockblock there.
i wrote down the address for planned parenthood on the back of the receipt for the condom that broke
He just stabbed two olives and a pickle with a fork and deep throated it in front of my family
Not even marginally surprised
found scuba porn. totally not sexy. life continues to disappoint.
people in the room actually applauded when we discovered you had the ability to somehow throw up on your own back
ive penciled you in for a day of excessive drinking
The only thought that went through my head was "that would be an absolute disaster" so of course I said yes
Just smoked pot with a guy who has apparently been living in the woods for over a month. He just walked out of the woods. This is not real life.
In case you're wondering where my head is at right now, it's wishing that I was getting laid and not having a debate about cheese.
i now know why i keep getting pictures of poop. apparently someone put my number in a girls bathroom saying i am a poop lover.
you text any of them back? this is probably the most women you'll ever have texting you in your life. don't squander a good thing
I need to show you how I feel about you by fucking you repeatedly.
i just realized i have only had sex on couches so far this year. i can't decide if that's impressive or trashy
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