There's an old bald Japanese dude on the metra next to me. He's drinking MGD on a crowded train, and rocking out way too hard to what may be the same Dallas Green song I'm listening to. Life is sweet.
ii just google-imaged 'sad turtle' and maggie gyllenhaal only came up once. what is the world coming to?
Found a joint walking to class. I feel like the environment is rewarding me for being green.
At one point I was double fisting both beer & ice cream. I love public events in this town.
things I have learned from cosmo today- 40% of guys are uncircumsized, you can have a beer facial, and i really need to get tested for std's
This is the weirdest negotiation ever.
This is what happens when two people with zero shame try to argue.
I've lost all respect for marriage since I joined this bachelor party.
I worked hard to give you that boner. No one else should get to enjoy it!
AFTER I licked the bald guys head they told me we weren't playing
I'm at the point where I'm more upset that he got to keep my bottle of Fireball than that he stopped talking to me with no explanation
I also farted in bed this morning and said, "I don't even care. My body deserves that."
Also my roomate used some of my condoms so she gave me her hummus. Great trade
He told me he loved me...but added "you crazy bitch" at the end. Does it still count???
we went to go have morning sex and I said “I was gonna put my mouth on it but you need to shower”#ruinedthemoment
i can feel my liver failing just LOOKING at that thing
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