Pretty sure I just slept with Elmo.
just broke no shave november. hello backed up drain december.
Bring more bourbon. Day drunk just hit another level.
No. I think its because I really and truly know that he is a moron and his future prospects are zoo animals.
btw im having a "its finally warm enough for a bbq in Toronto" party tonight. bring all the alcohol you have. and hamburger buns.
I fell asleep in my underwear on the deck. What the fuck.
This was the best text I've ever woken up to
When you put the phrases "just out of shower" and "did you get the picture" that close together, a picture of hamburger helper is not exactly what I expected to pop up.
I achieved the level of drunk I wanted even with the length of dress I was in..
I woke up to a stripper (who added me on Facebook) messaging me reminding me to cancel my card if I can't find it
I was going to text you that earlier, but I felt like before 10 was probably to early to bring up boners
i can trust myself, just not when im drunk. and drinking is my favorite pastime
I don't know if the puke on my pants is mine or not
Have you forgotten that this whole sexy cop role play started with a comment about my mom?
He sends me the same inspirational quote quotos that my grandma does. I no longer want to tap that.
I swear to god my spidey sense only tingles when someone’s about to die or you’re being a hoe.
Randomize