Funniest shit happened at the grocery store. This kid kept asking his mom for candy over and over and she told him 'daddy said no' and he screamed 'he isn't my dad' so loud everyone in the store was silent it was awesome.
I can't believe I wasted a google wave invite on her.
Babe when I told you that you needed to grow up I didn't mean get drunk and sponsor 8 African kids.
I knew it would be a shit show so I just went ahead and took plan b before I even got there. How's that for responsible?
If you're wearing dry underwear your day is already better than mine.
You said you'd make me a thank you card for taking care of your drunk ass. I'll be expecting that monday.
He's laying next to me passed out dressed as a hooters girl
I bet he's a super pretty hooters girl
Jesus, I just want to drink. Also simultaneously punch things and rub my vagina on them.
Oh jesus...leave it to you to hit on not one but two guys who can't fuck you till marriage.
Is the Chairman of the College Republicans throwing upon your toilet right now? 'Murica!
Car is still out of commission. Looks like it's Grape Nuts and scotch for dinner.
I'm done, I have no more memes or ways to ask for nudes, so yeah
I got arrested in a leprechaun onesie
I'm sorry that you wanted to get laid and I all I did was play with your new cat instead.
I'm pretty sure she tried to draw a self portrait out of her vomit. Then you tried to help, but passed out in the vomit.
Randomize
