We need to talk in the morning. The guy I was with just interpreted me taking off my earrings as code for "let me take off my pants."
And whoever invented the condom should be put to death.
We decided to leave the bar after we shattered a glassand then drive to steal a baby pool for our water festivities tomorrow
On the one year anniversary of me loosing my virginity... thousands of people will be taking their pants of on subways all around the world
It's like a tribute to you being a slut
He has a shower chair now. So he sits and watches me shower. It's kind of creepy.
Hey remember that night when you sang Fergie to me? I think that's the exact moment in time when the thought "I could be faithful to this man" came into serious consideration.
My dad picked me up from the bus station and as soon as he saw me he yelled "bus backwards is SUB!" and started laughing, I'm like 800% sure he's stoned. I'm so happy I came home for spring break.
My aunt comes over, haven't seen her in 4 years. First thing, looks me up and down and goes "...yup, that pair ripened nicely. Theyll get you some free drinks"
I think you were raised by the wrong sister
Right now Tom has the 2nd floor office bathroom under siege. He shit/clogged one toilet, and he's throwing up in the sink.
All I remember is laying in that secret hideaway closet, naked, with a beer cowboy hat on and you walking in and sitting down crying because no one would have sex with you
So I had sex in the woods today. Anything else that happened today? Irrelevant. It was a GOOD day.
I just moved my 11am hair appointment to 8am so I could blackout at noon. Who am I?
Am I supposed to get so horny by looking at your dick that I start orgasming uncontrollably
I need a significant other who'll eat Skittles from my boobs
I just made myself 3 peanut butter sammies because I was too hungry to watch porn
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