Turning 21 on Saint Patty's day. I like to think this is what my alcoholic ancestors have prepared me for
So excited for tonight I might actually pee my pants BEFORE I get blackout
Help. All alone. Room is. Changing colors. Dance party 2010, but without dancing.
I fucked her and then she made me sleep on the floor next to her bed because she 'has a committment problem'
who started the 'put a scrunchy' around his balls' game?
I just tried to roll over and fell off the bed. I think that is the beds way of kicking me out
This is gonna be a long day for my vagina and I
I just sang Hey Jude with a homeless man and then we drank beer together. Then I watched asians take pictures under a xmas tree for an hour and fell asleep in an MGM Grand bathroom stall. #AloneinVegas
Sorry you felt insulted last night let me rub your butt in remorse
See that doesn't work because we've had sex so its awkward for you to call me mom
you went over there?
His drunk texts were grammatically perfect. At least our kids will be smart.
This is either going to be a hilarious catfish or the fuck trophy of the century.
Just told my dad about my heroic mailbox showdown. He looked at me strange. I think he thinks I'm high.
You are high.
The only thing I remember about us having sex is yelling at him to choke me.
Ever try to swallow something and have it go up into your nose instead? Yeah, I just sneezed bacon.
Randomize
