So I had to explain to her that pussy doesn't mean a cat
i wish there was a 'silent except for booty calls' volume level on my phone
We tried to get a ride from the same firefigters that were turning off the fire alarm going off at our house.
Like. There is beer on the other side of that door and 6 yards in. If he's not back in 20 minutes to let me in, I am using this tree as a battering ram.
You just kept yelling, "THAT'S THE POWER OF PINESOL, BABY!"
I'm not sure which one did it but one of them fucked the kink out of my neck
Ok fuckface listen up and listen good. 1.calling dibs on a chick out of your league is like applying for a job with a highlight video 2. dont fucking ski down the stairs again 3. if you do, put it on your highlight video
I forgot to tell you, wear something you can puke on Saturday. We're christening this marriage with a shot of jager. NOT KIDDING.
New brilliant plan: invite two random okcupid girls to the same bar at the same time, have them compete
I am tired of banking on my penis size to overcome my lack of game.
What we have is to special to throw away over a woman who spreads her butt cheeks on a pool table for me...
You can't just say you're dying of terminal cancer everytime they try to card you
I JUST BROKE A NAIL MASTURBATING. WTF I could even enjoy my orgasm bc now I'm gonna have to spend $50 on my nails.
all I want for my birthday is booze and sex toys. don't bother calling if neither of those are included.
New strategy for telling if someone is drunk: will they attempt to drink a candle if you put a straw in it?
Randomize