I'm playing musical beds - it's not very fun
it's not gay if you rub your penis between their butt cheeks and pretend they are tits
shes in my pool wearing only floaties on her arms ill have to raincheck watching march madness with you guys sorry
we were shitfaced at work by 8pm. I had to stop myself from pouring vodka in everyone's cappuccino.
I think I'm going to make a pina klonopin before class.
I tried to explain to the cop how we all have skeletons in our closets but he just wouldn't listen.
Just in case you were wondering I sent you a text at 4:37 in the morning because I woke up on the side of the highway at that time
Good news: I actually puked in my bathroom, the vomit from the living room was actually from someone else.
That's horrible but hilarious
I'm going to miss college.
I threw a hotdog at the security guard and called the bartender "goodlooking for a 35 year old who was rode hard and put away wet"... I would have kicked me out too
I think the best part was the fact that the stripper's lock screen was a picture of the virgin mary
I woke up at like 4 am with an old Korean woman cuddling me. I assure you she was not there when I went to sleep.
The last two times I had sex with him I forgot who it was half way through
I can still be you friend and be there for you. And sometimes get drunk and fuck you.
I will find, mount, and marry that person.
He kept referring to my giving him head as a new level in our relationship and acting sentimental
You gave him a bj, not a kidney
Randomize
