Surefire way to sober up: discover that your car is being towed at 2 am.
So he just rolled over in his sleep and said "that's a punctuation mark..."
Definitely just blazed with the housekeeper. That woman needs a raise
You do realize that you're sleeping with a man who is part of a gay harem, right?
This text is addressed to sober me: getting drunk by yourself may have seemed like a Good idea at first bit it can tell you that it wasn't ad fun as you thought it would be
Ps your lap top bag is FULL of empty beets
I think i can hear god laughing at me and yelling "thou shall pay for thy habits of underage drinking" through a megaphone directly at my eardrums
Hey history final, how's it feel to be raped in the ass by my steel cock of ACADEMIC PERFECTION?
you are way too vulgar to be a girl
im like basted in vodka, i went tanning and it was like i was an alcoholic turkey being cooked in a locker of doom
Awareness is good for change and all, but ignorance is bliss. I like bliss.
I quit life. I got pulled over on my way to work and they towed my car and dropped me off at work in a cop car
"There should be some kind of award for sleeping with your ex 9 times in 3 days."
Life lesson 8263 if drinking a beer in the shower be careful when shampooing... Tresemme flavored rolling rock sucks
I'm about to eat a 2month old weed brownie I just found in my lax duffel bag. will you answer if I call you in like an hour and a half
What kind of terrible faithless God would allow vodka and one ply toilet paper to coexist?
You were having sex very loudly, so I felt it necessary to blast the Thong Song, bust out the trusty old airhorn and walk in on you. MY BAD.
Randomize
