Never name a vibrator after ashton kutcher
no one is going to fuck you in a field of bunnies
she said i was amazing, then i left to room to take the rubber off and came back to find her masturbating with my xbox controller while niko got a call from roman.
you know how you have to have just the right ratio of chips to sandwich? same goes for pubes.
I am officially out of liquor stores within a 15 mile radius that don't recognize me as soon as I walk in the door.
He warned me he may piss the bed. I'm oddly okay with this.
I wonder if our vaginas are like "o thank god, no strangers breaking in tonight." Baahhhh sooo bad
the only good thing about breaking up with him while naked was that i got to make a forgetting sarah marshall reference
Also since my birthday I've on average fucked a new guy every 12.5 days. I'm doing an excel spreadsheet
Like if a baby's bottom had nipples, that's how my boobs feel
Trust me. Drunk Scrabble is not a good idea. Arguments over the legitimacy of the word "Pickle" break out, things are said, friendships are ruined. It's ugly.
I woke up the other day with my Google browser open to "DIY lip injections"... I also just received a vial of hyaluronic acid and a package of TB syringes from amazon. I'm down.
I will have no part of this.
tell your brother to quit sending me his dick pics what am i going to do with them print them out and shove them up my ass???
If I could steal your goatee and hide it under my bed to keep your from wearing it, I would.
He sent me a website link to GIF on Snapchat. I don’t think he understands how Social Media works.
Randomize
