I swear to god he was trying to crawl under my door last night muttering "I'm Alex Mac! I'm Alex Mac!"
franzia sundays are my new favorite holiday
After 10 years all I have gotten is one bra pic, at this point I should be able to draw your cervix from memory
Just ate lunch with a paperclip again. Seriously, need to invest in plastic forks.
I sat down with you and helped you write your will last night. I was THAT convinced that you weren't waking up.
I miss the days when all my weekends consisted of were 69 and crunchwraps
did i paint my nails blue or do i need to make a trip to the ER?
He was like a foghorn with a huge penis.
i had to sit with a fan pointed directly to my vag for a good 10 minutes
you can't tell me it's over and send me pics of you and your cat?
I told him to pick up the beer can he threw in front of the police station. So he gets out chugs whatever's left and throws it back and says ok let's go.
I feel like the devil is trying to impregnate me through my eyeballs.
I'm mopping my WALLS now. And talking to my mop. I literally just told it "yeah I kno that dirt doesn't wanna come off but were gonna get aren't we?" This is some good snow!!! mini maid needs to give it to their maids. The world would be spotless!!!!
I got with a bridesmaid and a server as well as put an $80 tab in rum and coke under the name Emerson Iglesias. Are you sure it wasn't my wedding?
I think the pizza delivery guy is getting a handjob next door.
Randomize
