i told her parents not too worry the way i do it girls dont get pregnant
Im rethinking drunk tuesdays. Also rethinking ovaries.
Why the hell does jager make you get to the point of having to army crawl around cause you cant feel your legs and scream jaga bombs when puking??
Puked in a cab. Passed out on my floor an my mom put a blanket over me. Home by 1045. I won shitshow trophy last night.
When you wake up, I have rum and am in town
Pregnancy confirmed. Complete emotional instability achieved. I just cried through 95% of Avatar.
I am going to get arrested. I am yelling fuck repeatedly, wearing a Bird jersey and polka dot pants while pounding wine. Amazing mug shot to follow.
Spent 30 minutes in the board meeting trying to figure out where the foul smell was coming from. Thought it was the guy's feet sitting next to me. Then i uncrossed my legs. Turns out it was my vagina. Thank goodness for travel size febreeeze.
Walking down the street at 11 pm dressed in bubble wrap. Why is the bar so fucking far away??
I'm trying not to drink. I may fall down if I move. This is bad. I had everclear before the bar. Oh no. Oh no. Breathe. Breathe. Breathe.
That would be a dream come true. Seriously, he's like my mount everest, my life's ambition is to climb him.
he's like a horny 3rd grader on cocaine. he needs a leash
That moment when you realize the hot british guy named rory you drunkenly made out with at a bar is American, is named Tyler, and has a girlfriend.
THAT BEAUTIFUL FACE AND HEAVENLY LIGHTING IS NOT HELPING THE NOT DEAD POINT HOW DO I NOT KNOW YOU ARE NOT TEXTING ME FROM THE AFTERLIFE
The after life smells like latex gloves and hand soap
i cant believe the cop was fine with you saying no we are in a hurry when he asked to search your car
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