Most awkward thing ever just happened. I was reaching in my purse to get something and a condom fell out into the woman's lap next to me. At least she knows I'm safe.
worst experience of my life. her nipples were sick. kinda like a venn diagram
I'm not going to blow you while you look at fish on the internet.
Can you please tell me why there's a bottle of urine on my night stand with a note that says "in case you're thirsty in the morning"? Thanks.
so she asking me "is it okay to have dangling labias?"
You owe me 10 bucks. He wasnt in jail. Found him at 530 this morning when the smoke alarm went off. He passed out naked in the middle of cooking bacon. No idea where he was before that.
What kind of friend are you? You don't even blackout anymore.
I went to a bar in my pajamas last night. I'll be there again tonight in a wolf costume.
Did you make me take pictures of your ass last night because you fucked on some wet paint or did i dream that?
Bro, you're like, my right testicle. Can't go anywhere without you.
Because I was drunk or stoned for 4 days. I either made terrible decisions or none at all.
You slapped my ass and yelled "HOOTY TOOTY WHAT A BOOTY" in a Schwarzenegger voice
So my ex just asked for my address to send me his wedding invitation... in Europe. Awesome.
That’s basically a green light to fuck his dad
did he think i wouldnt notice the naked girl in the backseat
Protip if he licks the back of your knee and you reflexively kick him your game of 'lick the lady' is over.
Randomize
