just chased whiskey with a pickle. i definitely recommend it
He came in like 30 seconds. That's how I know he hasn't been cheating on me while I've been gone
We are going to be Siegfried and Roy for Halloween and you are going to be the tiger.
somehow a sneeze triggered me puking over everyone in the car
Remember when I said "no boyfriend, no problems"? I lied. Tequila. Tequila is a problem.
I'm currently sitting on the floor of a hostel reception area taking swigs of straight vodka, singing with people whose English doesn't go far beyond Lion King songs. I thought you might appreciate it.
had a dream that i inhaled my pet bird and started choking. Then I tried smoking from a bong and suddenly I smoked myself inside out. this is what happens when I don't smoke weed. my brain can't function!
He stopped his car in the middle of ongoing traffic to ask me to marry him. Then he got pulled over. Yeah I'd say the slutty Dallas Cowboys costume was a success.
Your hotness may or may not have landed him in jail.
high moment I think I just reached personal nirvana
P.s. I wore your shirt today and it has your blood all over it, but I am at a funeral home and they are using embalming fluid to get your blood stains out right now.
No more pre-dentist shots, I just puked on my hygienist
I've spent so much time on tinder lately I just tried to left swipe an instagram photo of my neighbor
She turned off her phone alarm (which was the theme song to Star Wars) and then asked me if I wanted a blow job before she went...of course I am going to see her again.
you never keep up with shots anymore
I'm trying to be more responsible these days
you fucking tried to take your pants off and pee in Taco Bell's parking lot
I made the antidote to the nasty cognac. I AM THE GOD OF MIXED DRINKS.
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