Dude, I totally just put a lit lighter to my hand for 10 seconds
How much beer did you get for it?
One ice cold coors, but those mountains lied
im pretty sure i just saw someone trying to catch a fish with his penis
you screamed 'he won't go on a date with me, but he gave me a free junior chicken'
well imagine, me dating the manager equals free junior chickens for everyone
it's circumsized.
I think this conversation is over.
My own vomit just splashed me in the face. How's your day going
I just banged that chick from the bar by speaking french. all i had to do was recite my grocery list
I was busy. But now I'm about to consume alcohol and chicken. We shall see where this takes us. Maybe to the moon, maybe to the floor. I have no idea.
Discovered a freckle on my clitoris. What have you done today?
You haven't lived until you've watched a retriever try to bring back the condom you just threw in its master's garbage
multitasking: i'm now sitting up and smoking my joint.
He may not be fully over his current wife yet. But wait until I show him my tits in his office at the end of the day tonight.
Holy sore nipples Batman
My little brother came home while I was sitting there icing my vagina with a bag of peas. Asshole looks at me, high fives Ryan, then leaves.
you bleached my bangs. i have an interview later today and you assholes bleached my bangs.
I'm going to go ahead and refrain from sexting you in an airport that is currently at a "level orange" security threat.
Randomize
