You can tell a man will be prosperous by the power of his farts- A fart that can shake the room is a voice that can change the world.
So I answered the door in my underwear expecting my boyfriend. Instead I opened the door to Mormon missionaries. Do you think that was a sign from God?
threw up during christmas carols. the audience at the church seemed to immediately know i was a college student
over or under 1pm before my bracket is too blurry to read?
Going to have to start putting down newspaper if puking the bed is going to be a habit
No, she passed out instead. I have the worst luck, its like Jesus is mad at me for having the same birthday as him
So stoned i forgot i was in bed
Kriste-san. Brian-sensai going to sleepy times acturry. Kriste-grasshopper will spend fun-fun times with Brian-sensai and glorious redbox movie tomorrow yes?
Most creative movie date proposition... ever.
I wish I cared about making my vagina as presentable as you do.
I got an assistant at work. First task was picking me up at a strip club. I was drunk and trying explain how it was work related
Oh dude I know. When something that's supposed stop pregnancies taste like chocolate something's up
So my roommate just came out of the shower with a dude...guess that answers all questions as to whether or not he's gay
I didn't see her "bad karma" tattoo until after I was balls deep
Sorry you uh had to see that last night. That's the problem with open fields, no privacy...
She complained to dominos last night for hanging up on her, and then she wrote "fuck you dominos" on the receipt when we got our pizza
So we are banned from the campus dominos
Randomize
