You know you have a problem when the only thing that saves you is that you drank so late into the night that you sleep through the designated walk of shame time window
Totally forgot this... How weird was it when they were licking our faces
i'm sorry, but my penis isnt the solution to your problems
I just found our entire wall-to-wall from September 2006 printed out and clipped... it's 49 pages. Blackout me is so considerate of bored-at-work me
Hardly remember what he looks like and the man has seen me passed out spread eagle. I begin this journey with such a disadvantage.
Someone just bought me a one liter long island and call me maybe is on. I'm going to die
I would let Bear Grills repel down a waterfall using my dick if I could go to sleep right now.
We had him convinced Visine is flammable. He was genuinely freaked out that everyone would know when he was stoned.
you know she was a bad idea when your mom offers to pay for an eHarmony account
Remember when I made fun of you when you ran out of toilet paper on your brother's birthday and had to use coffee filters? Guess what happened today
So it's my mom's birthday and I wanted to be super cheap and just walk up to her and say "I got you the greatest gift ever, mom! I'm actually sober right now!".
I don't need tinder boy anymore but I do need free sushi
The waitress at the Denny's in usa remembered me from 2 years ago when we went at 4 in the morning plastered, wearing overalls and huge inflatable corona hats on our heads
when your dumb AF ex “accidentally” venmos you $50 and texts you asking for it back..... —sorry I accidentally deleted your number and cashed out
Went to the party dressed like a Cougar and brought a twenty something dressed as Micheal Phelps home. So far I’m loving being divorced. :-)
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