just jacked off with my ROTC uniform on. boy i feel like an american.
after last night, i judge her for not breaking up with me
they almost convinced me to put "Funbags" in the 'other names you may be known as' section of the job application
on the brightside, the semester can only get better from getting a dui at 8 am on the first day.
your optimism is becoming unhealthy
Doing blow at 6am to "wake myself up for clinicals" was a baaaaad idea
Wasted on the beach. There's children everywhere. A six year old girl even stood over me with her hands on her waist looking down on me as I was passing out by the water
Do you think I can wear the dress I went to jail in with the shoes I went to prom in to the wedding tonight?
She set fire to my carpet trying to power-dry puke covered cigs with Josh's blowtorch. How she found it in the garage is beyond me but if you bring her with you again I'll shoot you myself.
Someday you'll be stoned enough to create a one-person step team and then you'll understand
Dude this deaf chick is totally hot, I just bought an apartment on boner ave
The Medal of Honor you banged could be at the inauguration today. You really dropped the ball on keeping up with that one.
Do you remember doing synchronized hip thrusts to Michael Jackson? Probably one of my favorite parts of the night
I have a rash on my arm from the cat litter. Think the cat will be mad that I peed in its box?
I re-seduced my fuck buddy...must be the luck of the Irish!
its a comptetion of fuckups and im HERE TO WIN
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