Food network will be on but we won't be watching
O by "watching" I mean "background noise"
You should really come over right now. There's hot construction workers across the street. I'm gonna go pour beer on myself in a bikini on the sidewalk. See you in 5?
i think i scared a bird with my dick
Oh god. There is a bite mark in the bar of soap. Please tell me I was not that wasted.
Sometimes I wonder why.. Then I realize I can't fool myself with that question bc we all know it's bc of his enormous dick
the bottle said: caution extremely flammable. so that was my motivation.
She told me to stuff her like a turkey. She actually yelled happy thanksgiving.
Covered in gravy. Never pour gravy while drinking.
I'm at a gyno in Japan. Safe to say every possible rule of etiquette is about to be broken. Buckle up, motherfuckers.
I have feelings that need drinking.
He said he "doesnt care at all, really" if I shave my legs or not. Challenge accepted.
Woke up at my x's house. He said I talked about how much I love panda's for fourty five minutes. Then made him watch The Little Mermaid with me. Made the walk of shame infront of his mom. Things can only really go up from here.
Wait till you get home.
I want to conceive our bastard child on an athletic field. Why can't we make this happen?
You were drinking tequila through a straw.. and kept waving your arms at me and getting this intense stare down as you muttered something about jedi mind tricks.
Anyhow. He gives me orgasms and cuddles and buys me dinner and alcohol. Ill keep him around and cross that other girl bridge when we get there ha ha
Randomize
