And as you crawled into the bathroom last night you repeatedly said "I know the routine".
I just asked my hair stylist how many percocets she'd do my hair for.
My mom said I should get that 'not fucking anybody' problem fixed.
No, I'm not keeping her! I can't become an adulterer and a dog stealer in the same 24 hours...
yeah come on over we're just pre gaming for the grocery store
he asked me for a gerbil feeder full of alcohol
The one thing I know about living in Vegas is the closest I'll ever come to being a father is singing the theme song from Full House to a garbage can while I eat an entire birthday cake.
There's cereal in my underwear. Was I in your apartment at any time last night? That's the only logical explanation for this.
HOLD ONTO YOUR PANTIES AND SAY GOODBYE TO THE REMAINDER OF YOUR INTEGRITY
I'm drinking vodka. Get ready for my famous "come over" mass snapchats
The only downside to doctor sex is that getting choked with a stethoscope leaves marks.
Being sober is no fun. Karaoke and not wearing pants are not socially acceptable things to do anymore and this depresses me.
The coast is clear - also, would it bother you if I chose not to wear pants?
I quit doing blow for him. If that doesn’t say “I’m in love with you and want to marry you” idk what does
You know you're old when you’re masturbating and you pull your hip
Randomize
