i think the whole apartment complex could hear you beating off last night
I'm glad you trust me to be your sex stat keeper.
so i say "rick dont build that sandcastle" and he "says ok i wont" then i wake up and its sandcastle fucking city all over my apartment
that ring i bought was worth the 6 bucks. wore it to the bar, told some girl i was recently divorced and wasnt ready to take it off. just got laid. THRICE.
We are going to get high as balls and watch netflix
THIS IS WHAT BEING AN ADULT LOOKS LIKE
How on earth did you break your wrist?
I went into someone's yard so I could pee and I found a tireswing
just walked across campus with a bottle of champagne in between my boobs. night two and the quest for classiness is already over
Drove by a cop already pulling someone over and toasted him with my bong
It's 4 in the afternoon........
I just said give me penis or give me death. Some patriot is rolling around in his grave right now.
Pooping with Eye of the Tiger playing. Not a single fuck shall be given.
There's no button for "gave my boyfriend's cock to a friend" on my intimacy calendar.
"Being an adult" and "being happy" are two circles that do not overlap in my Venn diagram of life.
Lost and found: pink cotton underwear next to my bed and soaking wet Reebok socks or boxers in a plastic bag...in my fridge🤔
Fun fact: nipples work on touch screens. Tell your friends :)
He took a shit in my shoe. A part of me is livid and a part of me is impressed because that’s some real evil genius.
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