Awww my brother is growing up soo fast!! He just gave me the, "I know you're high but I won't tell mom n dad" look!
I thought Christmas was going to come before I did
can we meet up so i can piece together the end of my night? for instance, did i jump or fall into a plant?
Why is the word 'best' written on my chest?!!
I don't know but the stairs are covered in apples
My coke dealer 411'd my work number just to see how I was doing and gave me his new number. He must miss my business
I broke his nose at the bar and he still went home with me.
His little brother just walked in, asked me if I'd blown his brother yet and then announced that he and his friends were going to play outside so we could play too.
Very excited! Vodka will be shot, dicks will be ridden, and memories made.
She told me she's dating him because his apartment is a block from Taco Bell. I don't know how she's not fat.
Just did. I played that shit out so casual I deserve an Oscar. Or am Emmy, or whatever the fuck you get for acting like a boss
like don't tell me my baby smooth vag offended you
He asked when the last time I had sex was. I had to look at the clock and respond "12 hours ago"
You know what sucks about being drunk at 4 pm? Not a god damn thing.
R.I.P my virginity. TOD 12:37pm
Randomize
