Job is the problem. Drinking, the solution.
I can only masturbate in one position. It's very inconvenient.
I love her so much that if I could have sex with her I wouldn't cuz my dick would feel out of place in such a perfect body/vagina
So my professor just changed my Final to 7:45am on May 6th. Shouldn't a Spanish professor understand the implications of Cinco de Mayo???
He told me he was 'pondering the natural wonder that is my ass'
Like, dude. I'm already fucking you, you don't need to wax poetic.
Isn't he wasted enough that he might actually mean it and not just be trying to get you to fuck him without a condom?
Did you pluck my eyebrows one night when I passed out?
Her little brother walked in right as I was finishing and was like "uhhh hey there's a lunar eclipse outside"
The good thing about having holes in your nose from all the drugs you do is that you can't smell nasty things. Like puke.
How sad is it that I'm looking in the farm & garden section of craigslist to find a weed dealer. I mean, that's where they'd be right? Just gotta break the code.
I want to reach into my vagina and rip out my uterus with my bare hands. Understand how much it hurts now?
I ate shit on a rock, and when I got up this car full of people asked me if I was okay, and I just sprinted away screaming "I am a banana!"
Dude! We had to write our address on your arm in permanent marker so you wouldn't get lost. You just showed the cabbie your arm and he drove you! Nice guy.
I woke up and sent him a text that said 'I'm sorry forever'
Everytime I feel sad about the break up; I recall that she is a Bernie supporter and feel all better
Everything is scary i hate being an adult i hate responsibility tell me a dick joke
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