Best moment of my life. I just got a text from some random number that said i can't wait to touch you. Her name is kiara and she had the wrong number.
Have u ever been so drunk that pissing urself felt like a better idea than walking to the bathroom? I entered those waters last night
I think I breastfed the cat at some point during the night, at least that's what my nipples are saying
The tent neighbors already set us on fire w an errant roach. How do you think Bonnaroo's going?!
So I am just swinging blind here, but I am guessing that blood in your sinus is not ideal
Man, just talk to her friend and help me out. Otherwise we go home alone
I'd rather jerk off with a hand full of bumble bees then talk to her
you got us kicked out of the restaurant for trying to pee in the trash can.
Finally hooked up w/ that yoga instructor chick. Got a little more than I expected. Like a full on bush more than I expected. How do you tell a girl that her bush scares you?
I wish someone would just come knock on my door and fuck me already so that me and my stuffed animals aren't the only ones who see my amazing spring break tan. I'm not getting skin cancer so I can just sit here abstinent.
I just found a piece of glass in my ear from Saturday.
I feel like I'm in an ocean of eels jacking me off
GO AHEAD, BITCH, GLARE AT MY WAFFLE ONE MORE TIME. I WILL FUCK YOU UP.
This is the most boring acid ever. I feel like a child. But thats okay, I've been a child before, its nothing new.
He would come to class in wrapped in nothing but a pink towel
I have a horrible feeling I left my dildo in the kitchen today after washing it. This is my life.
Randomize
