i think guys can sense when i'm not wearing underwear
I dont remember anything after Tequila & Apple Juice. May have disovered the recipe for mental bleach.
Hey, remember that girl at rocklobster you thought was hot but were to pussy to talk to? You were right, her boobs are fake and she gives the best head on the planet. Can you come pick me up?
You're dead to me.
A cab driver remembered me by name, address, and ex fuck buddys nick name from a year ago. I mustve been one memorable shit show.
I started to trust fall random people on the dance floor
Just got back from fathers day breakfast. So hungover i couldn't eat so i just slipped my food in my pockets and threw it out while i puked in the bathroom.
I'm sorry i ruined our friendship with a boner
Id have to say flaming beer pong was a royal success.
Don't get me wrong, I love talking about lube and such, but why are we?
I found your doppelganger. same hair, eyes, personality, catch phrases, and penis. it was mind-boggeling.
Are cops allowed to hit on you if they're in uniform?! Serious question.
I hope the lord has blessed you with many tampons, child.
I really would enjoy sexual intercourse with you.
Most formal booty call EVER
It's only 3 AM. There's still time to get arrested today.
The dog destroyed my vibrator and swallowed several pieces. Vet gave us a laxative so now I’m checking lots of dog shit and having no orgasms. Plus the cute vet knows I don’t get enough dick, so that’s just great
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