kindergarten is hard when you're hung over.
do you think they make "congratulations unfit mother" greeting cards?
or abortion recommendation cards.
Putting the hydrocodone in Pez dispensers. Do you want Speedy Gonzales or Darth Vader?
Howd you meet this guy?
I found him next to my pants on sunday morn.
We've started doing pot butter shots. WHY AREN'T U HERE
One of those nights had to have been when we tried to walk through the McDonald's drive through -- and then got in the car with complete strangers. And stole their hamburgers.
Every concussion has its silver lining
I got us chalkboard mugs. Now whoever comes home with us can feel comfortable in the morning! I am too considerate to my one-night stands...
I told him he was probably the first guy to get fucked while wearing Star Wars pyjamas.
Ok now a guy in a winnie the pooh costume is grinding on some chick to the song shots
Just got your message from Saturday. Shove all the kittens down your pants? Really?
I was emotionally compromised.
Send me another check for the tickets. I scratched out "anal wax" and now the bank won't take it.
I walked into the living room this morning and he was there with 3 shots in a row. He said it was "tea time."
was his pinky out?
My cast smells like cheese steak rolls
I just ordered a five person drink for myself.... Right about now you should start saving me from myself....
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