Dear drunk me, don't shave my balls til you're sober. My junk looks like a pomeranian with mange.
Only you would get a date out of getting hit by a car
All I can remember is being told by a guy named Kyle to stay in the corner until the cops left. Then waking up on a porch outlined in beer cans 8 blocks from my house. Pregaming for college.
You need to braveheart it on Monday. Blue face paint and a loin cloth screaming freedom in your front yard.
I created a photogrid for every picture he has ever sent me of his penis. Now I can see every angle at one time. THIS IS GREAT.
Dude I woke up and he was pissing in the corner on his clothes... I called his name an he replied " I got this" and continued.
I can't tell if my bong is gender-neutral or not
I just picked up my phone and one shoe from the man mowing the lawn next to the ice rink. He found them in a tree.
Also. After puking outside of the bar last night, some guy (who saw me puking) said I looked like Jennifer Lawrence, called me J Law, got my number and is now texting me. Who knew puking and rallying would do me any good
Word my sister pulled through for me and brought vodka shooters for the plane. its about to be a sloppy 4 hours
You know you turned your life around when your drunk eating salad at 3 am on a Friday night
I have never encountered a chode in the wild
I give out orgasms like candy and ride a motorcycle...how is that not appealing
You made noises. And kept meowing. I have a twenty minute phone call to prove it.
I party with great urgency now.
Randomize
