Just threw up off a chairlift. my life is now complete.
I love college. Only here at ten in the morning can you hear "Man, hot sauce on my pussy was my worst idea in a long time." while walking down the hall.
"Tuesday" and "open-bar" shouldn't be used in the same sentence.
You were too busy being proud of your penis shaped pancakes to notice...
i woke up wearing her shoes. this night isn't going on my highlight reel
He waited exactly 18 minutes to booty call me after his break up.
He says he quit drinking. I'd like to have a moment of silence for losing the best drunken hookup ever. We will build a memorial to his awesome cock.
It got messy; I did a shot of seamonkeys.
Every time he asks me if I'm horny I'm just like come on...stupid question
Do you think I'm short enough to dress up in a ghost costume and go trick or treating and have people believe that I'm actually a child?
I found where he bartends and I guarantee you that in approximately nine months from this Friday, you will have a niece
Are you playing pokemon in the dark and sexting? I can't be mad at that.
He literally said from now on he's always banging chicks with asthma becuas it's such an ego booster
I used the line "you don't have enough pillows". Then left. Thought you should know.
How I know I would be an awful mother....I just stirred the bong up with a baby fork. A literal baby fork....
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