So, someone in Olympia stole my credit card # last week and bought a platypus vibrator with it. That’s it.
i just shit an entire soup salad and breadsticks from the olive garden... bud light wins again.
i just heard my neighbor say from outside my window "i don't give a shit what he does, what the hell am i gonna do with my son's penis?"
Please tell me how you drunkenly remembered your social security number when we were checking you into the ER.
i promise ill be ok...btw im only considered "not ok" if i end up in the hospital.
All that matters is I got the megaphone home safely
im afraid if i stop breathing i will turn into a porcupine
i will trade you pizza and a blowjob for a fifth of vodka.
do i get to eat the pizza while you give me the blowjob?
I decided that Calgary can keep my underwear. They earned it.
No but the chipped one is crooked now. Clearly I didn't use my hands to break my fall. I used my face
I've come to the conclusion all of your awkward and complicated male encounters could easily be intercepted by a man town Yankee candle and a vibrator. Sleep on that tell me your thoughts in the morning. Sweet dreams.
I just shaved my "bikini area" into a fucking pizza slice
Walked into a bathroom stall to pop an addy for my three back-to-back finals today. Felt like Clark Kent walking into a phonebooth.
I wanna trust fall face first on a penis.
She used a candle as a shot glass.. A FUCKING CANDLE BRO!!
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