I am going to give you the keys to my place
Then I'll give you the keys to my heart
Gag me
awoke with 47 plastic lawn flamingos in my bed and on surrounding floor. explanation?
you said they were your minions of evil that protected you from ferrets.
i'm surrounded by gay midgets. not sure if i'm bragging or asking you to come rescue me. wait for follow up.
Honestly, where the fuck is osama bin laden?
i just like, need to vent to someone
Can we skip the part where I pretend to care and fast forward to the appreciative blowjob from you?
its the kind of pain that only someone with a fucking elephant on their head would understand. I'm never drinking again.
Totally passed out on the dealers bed after paying him all in ones so no, i dont think i'll be getting a discount soon.
They actually said and I quote "it definitely looks like your knees went through some over usage"
I woke up to you singing What Makes You Beautiful and trying to blend an avocado with vodka.
Tomorrow may or may not be a problem cause i'll be wonder woman for a halloween party aka i'll be fucked up & try & jump off of shit thinking i can fly
I threw up in the kitchen on the floor and a guy tried cleaning it up with a spoon at a party.
In local news, attempts to hide phone from extremely drunk self prove unsuccessful for Dallas woman.
I threw my shoes out of frustration and walked home barefoot... can you help me find my shoes in the morning
I told him he had to put his dick inside of me at approx 1159 to ensure it was birthday sex. i was 19 when he entered me.. came out 20. winning.
What the hell was that?
Genius. It was sheer genius.
Randomize
