you better believe me or I'll punch you in the face
$3 wine plus diet sprite does not make good champagne.
does taste better than andre tho
there is mayo everywhere what the fuckkkk
I'm crawling around naked in my room looking for my hairbrush. Just thought I'd put that image in your head.
I would makeout with my roommate, but im not drunk enough and she doesnt like bacon fat
Now that I'm single, I like to think of myself as in a relationship with Taco Bell.
He's socially awkward. He has a big dick. We've had this talk before, they're socially awkward because they don't leave the house they just sit home and play with it.
I don't know what was up he just kept sitting in his chair smoking weed and watching home movies all night it was weird as fuck.
I feel like the devil is trying to impregnate me through my eyeballs.
Is there a greeting card for "I can't keep being The Other Woman"?
I just realized I'm currently not eating carbs, drinking alcohol or having sex. 2014 is off to a horrible start.
Got 2 free lines of blow from some random guys on the side of 13th street.....how's your Sunday going?
My boss just texted me, clearly drunk, and said get down here pronto with a handle of rum, 50 lbs. of cold cuts, and a BB gun. This is not why I went to law school.
Hey do you remember me?
You were the giant banana I had sex with... how could i forget?
I just heard a crying baby from out my apartment window and yelled SAME
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