This cookie i'm eating tastes like pizza. It was so worth contacting my sister for pot.
I just recorded courtney puking and set it as my ringtone.
He spent most of his night trying to convince people that he had changed and was no longer a sleazebag...he had his nut hanging out of his pants about an hour later.
Accidently said "your going to hurt the baby" when he got forceful with his thrusts. I guess I forgot to mention to him that we are pregnant.
Stripper with the black hair and lip rings is still asleep. Found out she wasn't lying when she said she was a squirter, it was like splash mountain.
I'm sitting in front of a fan naked drinking Gatorade. Motherfucking hangover probs
She wants to go as a facebook "like" for halloween, but right now her costume looks more like the hamburger helper hand with broken fingers.
I woke up wearing a lax pinnie under my shirt, a triathlon medal, and a dora backpack... I think I had fun
I hopped in a random dudes car outside the strip club at 3pm on a Sunday and said "Follow that car!"
Just had a serious discussion with my ex-boyfriend about sexy nurse vs. sexy teacher. So score one for friendship I guess.
I found out that rock climbing and alcohol does not go together. Ask my broken arm.
I have shit my pants twice this week. #adulthood
My autobiography will be 500 pages of the words "I probably should've thought this through" typed over and over.
He doesn't wear a seatbelt. He votes Republican. He has a small dick. That house of cards just fell apart.
Let me know if you need some dick this weekend.
Between the BF being in town, partying at the Side Dick’s house tonight and two Tinder dates tomorrow I’ve got dick to spare!!
Randomize