how was the sex?
he smelled like pickles and burnt hair.
well, there's that.
this morning i woke up under the kitchen table. i went to my room and there was an inflatable whale in my bed with a banana duct taped to where its penis should be. there were trails of cheez-its around my apartment and i found $67 in the crotch of my underwear. im guessing i had a very happy birthday.
yeah my mom told me she knows when i come home high because i use my turn signal while turning into the driveway...
CAUTION: TWINS DO NOT HAVE TWIN PENISES.
She took a picture of me when she thought I was sleeping. I don't know whether to be amused or scared.
Probably shouldn't have worn my jeans covered in blood from last night to class.
Random question, but did I leave a spoon on your dresser last night?
I don't care if he got kidnapped by a cult one time he is a dick
How do you explain to a guy that he's like a little puppy dog that you play with, but then leave at the shelter to go home to your German Shepard?
I know it's wrong but I'm human. Now get over here, tie me up, feed me pizza and Fuck the crazy out of me. Please.
We fucked. Had a political debate. I won. So I sat on his face.
Welp. It's confirmed. There is literally no lube on this entire island. Fuck me. More accurately, don't fuck me.
I have standards. Maybe not when it comes to men.. but definitely when it comes to sex
I don't know what the hell I'm going to do with myself when this is all over. I'll probably just go back to smoking pot and trying to learn italian.
Then you screamed in her face to shut up about thick thighs saving lives because actually they can suffocate people during oral sex
Drunk me is very safety conscious And apparently just as annoyed by her as sober me
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