My head feels like little people r playing bumper cars inside it
OMG A WOMANS PROSTETIC ARM JUST FELL OFF AT BAGGAGE CLAIM
he called you a drunk bob the builder and you proceeded to explain how you were going to build ramps throughout the house
U were yelling that I wasn't generous or supportive. Then you kneeled and said this weird prayer about the windows and doors of your life.
Note to self: don't tell your girlfriends dad you can have his daughter in bed by ten and home by midnight. He doesnt find it funny
Just so you know, a 6'7" tall gay man, with a martini in one hand and a fairy wand in the other, is not a force to be reckoned with...don't ask.
He is just a personification of a vodka hangover.
Yes. Sex with questionable women, and made of potatoes.
SUNS OUT COOCHY OUT
Also, totally got laid in my yellow rubber boots and it was awesome.
A 5 day bender that ended with refusing to pay my bar tab before I left the city. I offered to send them a selfie so they knew to never let me back in.
well whats the tarot card for I'm totes going to be schlobbing his cob? because that's in his future.
Please tell me I didn't send you a dick pic in the middle of Peter Pan..
Going on a first date tonight...pros: my boobs look amazing. Cons: my abortion isn't until next week.
you know you're in deep when you watch fear and loathing in las vegas and every damn scene is relatable.
Sometimes self-care is taking a shot of vodka and moving on.
Randomize
